bamboo & incense mix splendidly.

I hope working and living life and not going to school or studying is all I have dreamed it to be.

There is this idea that I will soon have lots of free time. To drink sweet tea with lemon on my porch, to play my guitar for the squirrels and insects. To plant flowers and rake leaves. To finally have a motive for cooking and make delicious recipes. And to read. lots and lots of reading.

At the house we hope to rent we are planning our 'room of peace'. in our room of peace there will be hundreds of books on lots of different bookshelves - but it won't be kitschy. and a cool chair or two. maybe a stereo for some easy listening. incense of course. and blankets to cuddle with. oh! and a funky lamp to light the pages. and plants.

everyone is preemptively invited to the abode.

hope you're not allergic to cats because we will have one named tempy and it likes to show you love.

♥

camping & loneliness

I love camping (especially in Canada). So it surprised me when I was sitting by a campfire Friday night at Bald River Falls in TN, and felt lonely. Everyone else was either snuggled in their tents or stargazing and I was left (by my own will) to tend the fire by myself.

I watched the movie Into the Wild a few weeks ago (if you haven't seen it, do). Based on a true story, the ambitious Christopher McCandless graduates from college, sells his possessions, buys some gear, and heads into the "unknown" - first across America and then to his ultimate destination, Alaska. He spends 112 days alone in the wildnerness before eventually dying of starvation/food poisoning.

Although he spends much of the movie trying to get away from it all, at a crucial point during his adventure he decides he wants to leave his Alaskan habitation and return to civilization. Unfortunately, it is here that he realizes he is trapped by a flooded river, and dies tragically a few months later.

Even in the short time I spent by the fire that night, I thought of and sympathized with McCandless. Being alone with only a small fire as company, it was hard to find peace. I wanted friends there, but I couldn't just make people and relationships appear.

I think that's what is so powerful about society. All the work and play and work again and love and heartbreak and memories and loss are all part of our underlying desire to be in relationship with both God and other people.

I love camping, but I also admit that I love the connections that advanced society has created to allow engagement with people at any time I feel lonely.



♥

cockroaches and I've got nothing.

I haven't been called Caroline in a while and I miss it.
They call me Caroline at Joe's Java. Went there tonight.

I forgot how blessed I came away from that place every single day I went.

I am so dang blessed.

I have a family that loves me. car that is reliable. an education. a warm house to sleep in. a refrigerator full of good food. I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol. no boyfriend that abuses me. friends that care alot about me. nice clothes. money that I can blow at a movie or on a CD. stability. I'm healthy, and if I were sick, I'd have health insurance to pay.
but most importantly: a GOD who loves me beyond any other earthly love.

people keep talking about how bad the economy is. and legitimately, for some people it has gotten bad. there are more people being served at food kitchens than these places have seen in years. but I need to stop myself when I complain about it. I have not done a single thing to change the way I live since the economy has been dragging. honestly. maybe I need to reevaluate. if I'm not getting hitting hard, than I must be doing something wrong. not giving enough.

I talked to a man today. a good man. a man who was feeling blessed and praising God because he had just moved out of an apartment that was filled with cockroaches and black mold.
I have nothing to complain about.

♥

pearl jam says come back.

Is anyone else more alerts to scents when they're at home? I've noticed...

the chalky scent of summer that permeates every room in my house.
my bath towel smelling like pillows left out in the sunshine.
the wormy scent of my faded Honduras bracelet.
the bar of dove soap like golden spices.
my copper bracelect that smells like my fingertips after I've played guitar.
my sweatshirt like a good exhausting day at the pool.

my skin like a mixture of green beans and dirt.

maybe it's just the magic of leaving the windows open in your house...

♥

Honduras

Found out today "my kid", this 11-year old boy I really connected with at a state-run orphanage on a trip to Honduras this past Christmas, is gone from the orphanage.

I had sent pictures of us, a letter, and some stickers/temporary tattoos with a friend of mine that is currently at the same orphanage. She informed me that he is no longer there.

When I was with him, he told me was planning on running away. He was there in the first place because he had run away from his abusive mom (they lived in Mexico), and he had been picked up by the Honduran police. They put him in the orphanage.

The kids there are prisoners. There are no sheets on the beds, no pillows. My friend, Yan Carlos, had all of his belongings in a small shoe box. The only visible toys were the ones we brought for the children. There are 5 staff members to 100 kids. The kids are starving, STARVING for love. They don't get enough attention. The only time they leave the campus is for school. Most of the children have mental or physical disabilities, and do not receive the proper care. JOY is for lack in that place.

Trying to discover my role in all of this.

♥

1994 & Jesus Birthday Cake

I never thought it would feel strange to be in my own house.
21 years, and I'm still back in the same room, the same white furniture with the same chipped golden handles.

I have a terrible knack for reminiscing when I'm home for breaks. I think of Christmas mornings. Attempting to fall asleep with my stomach dancing, anticipating a new sled, popcorn, singing happy birthday to Jesus over breakfast cinnamon rolls.

Biking with the neighbors singing the Monkees in the light of the lingering sunsets falling on our cul-de-sac.

Puppet shows with my little brother that inevitably ended in fighting.

Running barefoot around the lawn, my biggest concern stepping on thorns from our juniper trees.

I think the reason alot of people have kids is so that they can live vicariously through their kids' adventures. I have become more and more intrigued by the idea of adoption, especially if I end up being single. Too many kids are growing up with memories plagued by abuse and loneliness instead of Christmas presents and summer days accompanied by song tracks.

♥